Passing Opinion Off As Fact Since 2009

Passing Opinion Off As Fact Since 2009

Monday, August 10, 2009

It is not if we need to have babies - but WHEN we need to have babies

I haven’t written really anything in about a year or so (save two twitters - I don’t know if that counts)*. This doesn’t seem staggering until I realized that for about 17 years straight I never went longer than 3 months without writing something about something (the importance of that something varied greatly). This is because like many of us at least moderately-privileged Millennials I went to school for a decent while.

I do not go to school anymore and my personal space-time continuum has been cosmically effed. From the ages of 5 to 22 I spent my entire existence on one creepily straightforward schedule of 9 months on – 3 months off – 9 months on – 3 months off – etc. And then it stopped dead in its proverbial tracks like a polar bear on a mystical desert island being shot 7 times by a southern, nickname giving, Confidence-Man. The result is I have lived 2 years that have felt like one giant 3 months off (or I guess one decently large 9 months on). I still think of my senior year of college as last year, which is really maddening.

So when talking about space-time, obviously that leads my brain to one place…LOST (oddly enough I felt like I just started watching LOST last year during my senior year of college, yet I have watched two full seasons since). There was an episode where one, very Scottish, character started jumping around in time in his brain (this was never really explained, and probably never will be). Then some other, much more twitchy character, said that the Scot needed a “constant.” This was the perfect LOST solution to a problem, it sounds sciencey and is vague enough that everyone just accepts it as dogmatic rule. Usually, I would cast off such conventional wisdom but this was a really good LOST episode.

The fact is he is right and wrong. Post graduation, there are has been just the constant of being out of college and trying to be a grown up. This however never changes so I can’t define time passing by it. The constant is too constant. So where do we look as pseudo-grown ups…

BABIES!!!!

Think about it. Babies are the perfect solution. Lets say I had this baby, we’ll call him Oliver James Fox (yes, I know that would make him OJ for short, its still a prototype), every year he would grow and change. I could define time based on how old that strange little being is. In 2046, Ill remember 2019** not by the year number but as the year Oliver very tritely lost his two-front teeth and I made him dress like a newsy (I have a plan to make my kid be really cool and kinda eccentric, so he will likely grow up being “interesting” and hating me. I am also aware that my wife won’t let me doing anything I am currently planning for OJ).

I guess this desire for a baby, is comparable to a lady’s biological clock but WAY cooler. This is social evolution making men’s brain desire to be around their kids instead of just spreading their respective seed across their respective universe. I guess the idea is that men who didn’t stick around to see their babies age lost sense of time and went super crazy. There was another character whose brain was traveling through time and he went mad and died of crazy brain (the show called this a very LOSTy temporal displacement). Again life is JUST like LOST.

The fact is being grown up is not half as fun as growing up. They don’t teach LOST and life philosophy in school (YET!!!! You know some place will eventually, my guess it will either be Michigan, Occidental, Emerson, or Pace) and babies smell weird, cost a butt-ton of money, and have crazy easily destructible skulls. As I watch, for the first time season 1 of LOST (yes, I know this fact is a travesty) eagerly waiting the final season to answer the myriad of questions about the world they have created I will also we hoping for bigger answers like how to quantify time when I am not with child and the series itself has ended.


* This was written before the manifesto
** It is remarkably weird thinking about the year the child you have no plan on having anytime soon will do things.

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